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An Apocalypse Wedding
A comedy by Peregrine Hayward
Zombie Aunt Molly
Zombie Pastor Jim
Narrator: Due to a surplus of bad zombie movies, books, and shows, when the zombie outbreak did happen no one believed it until people started running around asking for brains. For some it took longer than that.
Sarah: James, would you give me a hand in here? Aunt Molly is demanding some fancy recipe that I don’t know how to cook. I need you to distract her.
Zombie Aunt Molly: Braaaaains. Give me Braaaaains.
James: Sarah, sweetie, I think something’s wrong with your Aunt.
Sarah: You may be right. She’s seemed much more energetic this visit than usual.
James: I was more talking about the fact that she’s trying to eat your hand through the oven mitt.
Zombie Aunt Molly: (chewing on Sarah’s oven-mitted hand) braaaaaains.
Sarah: Well I think that you may be right. My Aunt appears to be a zombie. You know what the proper reaction to this is, don’t you?
James: Run away screaming?
Sarah: Well dear, I was more thinking that we lure my Aunt outside and barricade ourselves in our house where we have plenty of food and water.
James: Well then, that does sound like a better idea.
Narrator: Later the two retire to the roof to throw brightly colored objects at the zombies to distract them.
James: Sweetie, due to the fact that there is a literal horde of zombies in our front yard, I would like to ask you to marry me.
Sarah: Yes, yes, a million times yes. Wait…did it seriously require the apocalypse to finally convince you to propose to me?
James: No, no, of course not.
Zombie Horde: Congraaaaatulations. We wish youuuuuu the beeeeeest. Ahem. Braaaaaaains.
Sarah: Well we’ll need to find a pastor to marry us. Last I heard Pastor Jim was still alive.
James: Nope. He’s the one eating the cat next to the trash can.
Sarah: Oh drat. (yelling) Hey, Pastor Jim! Would you mind preforming a marriage ceremony for James and I? I’ll pay you in cats.
Zombie Pastor Jim: Braaaaaains. Sorrrrrry, I’m boooooked. Braaaaaains.
Sarah: I think that’s a no. Seriously, who books an undead priest. Not cool.
James. Well it’s probably for the best. I have no idea where we would have gotten enough cats to fund the operation.
Sarah: True, true. Well, c’est la vie. We’ll have to find a minister somewhere else.
Narrator: The couple go back inside to take stock of their supplies.
Sarah: (examining here hand) Huh. It appears that Aunt Molly’s bite broke the skin. Curses.
James: We’ll have to amputate! There might still be time!
Sarah: Jeez! Have you considered, possibly, that there might be a simpler solution? Like with rabies, you just wash the would with soap and water. For all we know a thorough scrubbing could be the cure and no one would ever know because everyone just jumps to amputation and self sacrifice.
James: With rabies you still go to the hospital and get medication.
Sarah: (washing hands) Yes, but this is not rabies. This is simply a saliva and blood transferred disease that turns you into a walking, nigh unkillable corpse with a craving for brains. Big difference.
James: Exactly! You can’t just cure something like that with good hygiene.
Sarah: Says who? Have you tried it before?
James: No, but, you can’t just. No!
Sarah: I bet you five bucks I’m right.
James: The government’s probably collapsing. Rioting in the streets. Currency being useless. More importantly, if you lose the bet you’ll be dead!
Sarah: Oh don’t worry. I keep spare money in my copy of War and Peace. Page 27.
James: That’s not the point! The point is that you will be a walking undead husk who will probably try to eat my face!
Sarah: Well if you’re so sure of it do you bet me or not?
James: You know what? Fine! I take your moronic bet.
Sarah: Alright. Goodnight Sweetie. Most likely eat you in the morning.
Narrator: The next morning Sarah goes to wake up James.
Sarah: (standing over James) Braaaaaaains. Give me braaaaains.
James: Gah! No, Sarah. Alas cruel world. To force me to kill my love so that she is not trapped in-
Sarah: (interrupting him) Just kidding! You owe me five dollars.
James: What the heck? Was that really necessary?
Sarah: Yes. Also, told you so.
James: Let’s just go find a pastor before you actually do turn into a zombie and eat my brains.
Sarah: Yeah, yeah. Live a little. Let’s hope the car hasn’t magically stopped working.
Narrator: The two eventually reach town and go straight to the first church they can find.
Pastor Steve: Hello travelers. Welcome to the politically correct church of There-May-Or-May-Not-Be-One-Or-More-Higher-Power(s)-It’s-Really-All-What-You-Believe. I’m Pastor Steve.
Sarah: Please tell me you do weddings, because our previous pastor ate our cat.
Pastor Steve: Yes, we do weddings.
Narrator: Suddenly the doors to the church burst open and two zombies shamble in, making a beeline to the pastor.
Pastor Steve: (holding up a stick with a shorter stick attached at a perpendicular angle about two-thirds of the way up) Back! Back foul beast!
Sarah: (whispering) I think that only works with vampires.
Zombie Caleb: Braaaaains.
Zombie Jill: (elbows Zombie Caleb) You dolllllllt. Nottttt braaaaaains.
Zombie Caleb: Ahem, nottttt braaaaaains. Weddddding.
Pastor Steve: You want me to conduct a wedding ceremony for you two?
Zombie Jill: Yesssss. We’llllll paaaaaaay youuuuu in caaaaaats.
Pastor Steve: Uh…no…really, it’s alright. I’ll do it for free. (talking to Sarah and James) Do you two mind if I do a double ceremony? I have a helicopter to catch.
James: Suuuure…don’t we need witness or something?
Sarah: (leaning out church door) Hey! Zombie Horde! Would you mind being witnesses?
Zombie Horde: Suuuuure. Sooooounds greaaaaaaat.
Pastor Steve: …Alright then. Please take your partner’s hands. Do you, Sarah, take James to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to not eat, in zombiefication and in health, in food supplies, and not in food supplies.
Sarah: I do.
Pastor Steve: And do you, James, take Sarah? Et cetra.
James: I do.
Pastor Steve: You may now kiss the bride. And do you…uh…lady zombie take…um…guy zombie to be your…unlawfully wedded husband, in…undead-ness and in…even more undead-ness, for…well supplied in cats, and for…less well supplied in cats?
Zombie Jill: I dooooooo.
Pastor Steve: And you you…guy zombie take…lady zombie? Et cetra.
Zombie Caleb: I doooooo.
Pastor Steve: You may now…uhh…kiss…I guess, the bride.
Narrator: The happy couples left, and lived (and unlived) happily ever after. I suppose.